Waiting

I was going to write this post to be entered into a contest, but then I actually got thinking.

Things have been okay lately. Just that, just okay. Nothing’s wrong, and I guess things are alright, but I’m still feeling dissatisfied. I’m feeling unfulfilled. I’m feeling lonely.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before on here, but it always feels like there are these invisible checkboxes just hanging around my peripheral vision. They’ve got titles: Satisfying Job; Relationship; Marriage; Kids; House. For a while, I took a small amount of comfort in the fact that I had at least one of these checked off (even if I’d like to have more), but these days, I’m looking at 5 empty boxes. I don’t like empty boxes. I like boxes with check marks in them.

Anyhow, I started looking at this website, The Art of Waiting (a collaborative photographic project exploring the concept of waiting, which is beautiful and necessary and apparently thought-provoking) , because my friend Dave is a part of it, and it got me thinking: just what am I waiting for?

It’s really a question in two senses:

1. What am I waiting for? (said in a small, calm voice) I’m waiting for a God to intercede and bring relationship in my life… I’m waiting for vocational contentment… I’m waiting for a time that I’m comfortable with myself… I’m waiting for warm sundress days… I’m waiting for wisdom… I’m waiting for books to come available at the library… I’m waiting for May and the Virginia that it brings…

2. What am I waiting for? (said in a louder, less patient voice) My goodness, what am I waiting for? I can do something with my life, and about my life. I’m not going to get back into grad school without taking the steps to get there, so what am I waiting for? I need to take a class and take some action. I’ve got time and attention to spread around, and love to receive even without a relationship or marriage or kids, so what am I waiting for? I can do something with my energy. I’m not going to get a magical parasite that makes me lose a bunch of weight, just to have it removed when I’m all hot-awesome: I need to, and can do something about my body (what am I waiting for? Another medical reason to lose weight?)

And even though waiting for things, or doing something while I wait can be hard (check boxes, people)… getting something you’ve been long-expecting in the mail is great, isn’t it?

Waiting. Calming and frustrating and beautiful and procrastinating and exciting and patience and worth it… waiting.

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