Things have been okay lately. Just that, just okay. Nothing’s wrong, and I guess things are alright, but I’m still feeling dissatisfied. I’m feeling unfulfilled. I’m feeling lonely.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before on here, but it always feels like there are these invisible checkboxes just hanging around my peripheral vision. They’ve got titles: Satisfying Job; Relationship; Marriage; Kids; House. For a while, I took a small amount of comfort in the fact that I had at least one of these checked off (even if I’d like to have more), but these days, I’m looking at 5 empty boxes. I don’t like empty boxes. I like boxes with check marks in them.

Anyhow, I started looking at this website, The Art of Waiting (a collaborative photographic project exploring the concept of waiting, which is beautiful and necessary and apparently thought-provoking) , because my friend Dave is a part of it, and it got me thinking: just what am I waiting for?

It’s really a question in two senses:

1. What am I waiting for? (said in a small, calm voice) I’m waiting for a God to intercede and bring relationship in my life… I’m waiting for vocational contentment… I’m waiting for a time that I’m comfortable with myself… I’m waiting for warm sundress days… I’m waiting for wisdom… I’m waiting for books to come available at the library… I’m waiting for May and the Virginia that it brings…

2. What am I waiting for? (said in a louder, less patient voice) My goodness, what am I waiting for? I can do something with my life, and about my life. I’m not going to get back into grad school without taking the steps to get there, so what am I waiting for? I need to take a class and take some action. I’ve got time and attention to spread around, and love to receive even without a relationship or marriage or kids, so what am I waiting for? I can do something with my energy. I’m not going to get a magical parasite that makes me lose a bunch of weight, just to have it removed when I’m all hot-awesome: I need to, and can do something about my body (what am I waiting for? Another medical reason to lose weight?)

And even though waiting for things, or doing something while I wait can be hard (check boxes, people)… getting something you’ve been long-expecting in the mail is great, isn’t it?

Waiting. Calming and frustrating and beautiful and procrastinating and exciting and patience and worth it… waiting.

Faerie is my second home.  Actually, perhaps it’s my first. The time I spend in imagination and fancy feels like best time to me – it’s the place I’m most comfortable, most alive. So then, to be given the challenge of writing a song about such a place – it’s daunting. Certainly, I could write an album, or fill a book. Or both. But one song? When Faerie is, to me, like… well, food?

To write about that which sustains you, to summarize, in short verse, that which nourishes and keeps you alive. This is quite the task. It’s been hanging over me, taunting me, tempting me… I feel a bit like a horse who has figured out that he will never get that carrot. But then I started thinking: what makes the better tale: that of food, or of hunger?

In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, it’s written that “a story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.” The conflict is the interesting bit, isn’t it?

Let’s say I dream about… travelling (non-hypothetically). I could get very excited and go on for pages and hours about the places that I want to travel, and why I want to go there. But I’m guessing that the more interesting (or at least, relatable) thing for you to hear (or read about) would be all of the things that are stopping me from travelling (particularly the non-tangibles, the inner-issues), and the real excitement will come in how I face them, and slay my dragons.

So what is the dragon to my Faerie? In short, myself.

My own self-interest (in contrast to self-delight): that which keeps my mind reeling at night and confuses my motives. The singular voice that talks over and interrupts itself, that focuses on my have-nots, my worries and my mundane to-dos. The deafening wave of exhausting cacophony that comes at me as a wall. Nearsightedness, really. Of the mental variety.

And it turns out, I’ve already written a song (or three) about that. Whether or not it would be accepted for Bridge Songs: Faerie, I don’t know. For all I know, the songs have already been chosen (I’ve been more than a bit sick, and unable to go to songwriters’ group). But it’s a bit satisfying to know that I’ve created something along the lines, regardless.

So where would my magic glasses for this nearsightedness be? Another song for another day – the sun is rising and I’m going for a walk.

The last couple days have been pretty okay. I felt much better yesterday, and made my lunch, but didn’t get to the gym as planned. I did, however, make that giant list at work, which ended up being a bulletin board of sticky notes and colour-coded pushpins:

Looking at it, there doesn’t seem like a lot, but some of those sticky notes are at least 10 hours of work, so whatever on you. And I would have liked to have gotten more of that done today, but…

I had a stupid migraine this afternoon. After a lovely lunch with a great friend (who really needs to start blogging, so I can link to her), I had to come home and sleep and sleep and sleep until it went away. But after I woke up (and it was still there, a bit), I went to the gym, which was great. I don’t know what switch flipped in me that said “Hey, I still feel a bit crappy, but rather than playing a computer game, I’m going to go to the gym,” but it flipped and I went.

I (just) walked on the treadmill for an hour, but because no one goes to my gym, I was able to lip synch and dance while walking, and it was really really wonderful. It even made me feel a bit better… I wonder if my inactivity when I’m sick only leads to more illness and feelings of helplessness. I should challenge my body more than I do, I think. Bodies are amazing! And can put up with so much! I don’t give mine enough credit.

My walking/rocking time also led to some great thoughts and imagery about the rest of my life. I recently finished (nay, devoured and relished in) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and I spent some time reflecting on it, but I was also given this great image for dealing with my past and all the shit and regret and anger I carry around. I’m putting it into some boats (the wooden row boat variety), and I’m floating it out to sea. If it’s a person, I’ll just let them float away, but if it’s other stuff, I’m also free to shoot flaming arrows at it. Pchoo! Pchoo! Flaming arrows!

FLAMING ARROWS!

Lastly, because you’re all wondering: the gummy vitamins are amazing, and working and I want to take 6 a day instead of 2.

Woke up earlier than I would have liked, to go walking with Natasha. The plan was to go for an hour, but I felt like something disgusting, so we walked to the HighStreet Starbucks instead. Rather than having a delicious hot apple spice (sugary mmm cider with whipped cream and caramel and mmm), I had a mango juice thing. (It said “Naked” on it, which is the brand name and likely refers to all-natural blah blah blah, but I like feeling subversive. Naked!)  Anyhow, the walk there took 25 minutes, so really, we walked for an hour including a ten minute break for juice and water and the warm thing Natasha had.

My stomach did not appreciate the juice and tried to evacuate it. Jerk stomach.

I went to work and didn’t get a tonne done, because my stomach is stupid and ruins my days lately. So I ran one program, then came home and slept for 3 hours (4 hours? Some amount of hours), before going back to work tonight to run another program. I’m getting ridiculously far behind at work, and the “I’m new” excuse isn’t going to work much longer, and how long can I really use “I’m sick”? But if I don’t care for myself, I can’t care for others, right? Right. (Feel free to write emails to my bosses to let them know that… the last job has me so super paranoid about not getting in trouble and then getting fired… everything’s okay at work, but ack, what if!?!)

I bought groceries!

Let’s see… on the left we have some things for lunches… buns with cheese and turkey and spinach and tomato and those little delicious cheeses; moving to the right we see an assortment of fruits and vegetables for lunches as well.  Use some of that fruit with the yogurt for breakfast, of course, and a square of dark chocolate for dessert (maybe after breakfast, maybe not).

And what’s that in the middle back? Oh yes, chewable children’s vitamins. I mentioned previously that I hate taking my vitamins because they make me gag, but check these out:

The monkey says they’re super yummy, and after eating an orange lion and a lemon monkey, I’d have to agree. My big girl body needs 2 a day instead of the bottle-recommended 1 a day, but at least I’m taking them.

Alright, off to put the groceries away and put the laundry away from yesterday.  My hopes for tomorrow include going to the gym, making my lunch at home and depositing a cheque that’s been sitting in my purse for a couple of months. Also, making that huge to-do list at work (and not letting the size of it stress me out – making the list is a feat in itself, will get all of the little things to do off my mind, and will help me get all of it done, eventually).

And, of course, I’ll be taking my vitamins.

Things to put out of my mind: songwriting (at this point, I don’t have the time, and need to let Bridge Songs go this year); dating; attending everything that people want me to (and thus the idea of being a “good friend”).

Lastly: thank you (sincerely, really, truly) to everyone that commented yesterday. As much as I should have inner-drive, it’s really the words from you that keep me going somedays, and being excited to share things like grocery shopping and walks. They seem little, but they’re big to me.

My newest favourite thing to do on Friday nights is join Natasha and her roommate, along with Sarah, and whatever other ladies may show up (last night it was the lovely Megan) for roommate take-out night (note that none of them are my roommates). This week the menu included shwarma and laughter. Delicious.

Post shwarma and laughter, I enjoyed a 2.5 hour nap to prepare for… Rockers Vs. Mods.

Rockers Vs. Mods is where the epicentre of fun in the world very well may lie. I’ve missed dancing, and I’ve missed dancing to this kind of music, and I’ve missed dancing with people that aren’t my reflection. Sarah made, as always, a phenomenal dance partner, and we managed to reconnect with some old friends and make a few new ones (including a bouncer, which MUST be a good thing).

We also enjoyed some Shirley Temples. Yes, that’s right… Shirley Temples.

I love dancing in a place where the female body types are all represented and no one seems to give a care who you are, what you look like or how ridiculous you dance. I long for the next one already… it’s good for my heart (both the physical one and the metaphorical variety). I have no pictures… but here’s me ripping off the poster for you:

You can also check out the (now old) facebook event page here.

And by the way, I was forsure a rocker.